A Dilema

Each Sunday I am presented with a dilema. In essence, do I try and make it over to Liverpool and go to the church that I have been so blessed with over the last three years, or, do I go to a more local church, my parents church, in St Helens?

When I first moved home the answer seemed clear. As far as I was concerned I would soon have a job in Liverpool and I would move back to the city, so it seemed logical in the meantime to continue at Christ Church with the great friends that I have there. It is after all a church that is blessed with some incredible teaching and at a time when I am back home and surrounded by uncertainty, great teaching is what you need.

However as time has moved on and a year and a half has passed (man that seems like a huge amount of time) I am still in St Helens and for the past year or so I have battled non stop to get to a church. In many ways I have developed a sad love/hate relationship with Christ Church, a place which now fills me with fear if I try to get over there (some talk of not wanting people to be late, which I do understand, and then my own issues with getting there on time helping me to be terrified of being slammed by the elders or deacons for walking in late), a place which doesent seem to be a caring church. This is sad as I have many great friends in that church who are loving, caring people and the teaching is still fantastic and oh how I miss it so.

Because of that love/hate relationship, and the reality of being in a different town to Christ Church, I have considered going to my parents church, a place which I have frequently visited when I used to come home from Uni at holidays. However, the teaching is certainly very different at that church (with my CC goggles on it seems quite lacking or at least limited in its scope) and the environment certainly isn't academic (not that this is a bad thing, just with those CC goggles on again its a bit different). Fellowship also fills me with fear as so many folk there are either very young or very old, and in each case they are very St Helens in their outlook. All of this is fine, but for me coming into the church it leaves me with deep apprehension as to whether or not I could survive there.

Yesterday was a case in point in how this dilema plays out in my life. I got up and endeavoured to get the Christ Church but arrived outside the church at 10 35, around 20 minutes after the church now starts. Realising this I was overcome with fear and anxiety (which had been building for the whole journey over) and carried on to Sefton Park and then ended up idling away the morning in Liverpool. In the evening I decided to go to my parents church which was good although again it was apparent that in terms of fellowship, teaching and the way the teaching was presented it seems a million miles from CC.

And yet, while I was there in the evening I was thinking about Jonah running from God and God basically stopping in him in his tracks in spectacular style and forcing him to go and do what he had been instructed to do. That had me wondering about my dilemas with church and how just getting to CC has become a huge, overwhelming nightmare this year. Are the pitfalls that I experience in getting to CC a case in point of me being pushed onto a different path by the Lord? Perhaps that is a foolish way of looking at the situation - no doubt my own lazyness plays a huge part in it all - but I definately know that there are times when I feel that God is asking me to do something at St Andrews. Now, what that is I don't know - in itself the idea of doing anything in that church fills me with dread and I am overwhelmed as the attitudes to Bible teaching are very different and I have all this academic background which would mean little there. Even more important is the case of 'feeling' that I should be there. I know many people who would say that I need to be careful in using that feeling. I agree, which is why I have been praying a great deal for wisdom and direction.

Thus if you have managed to read through this epic post, I ask that you might pray for me as I seek God's will on this issue - of church and how to serve right now. It is one of many decisions that seemingly all I can do is sit at God's feet and pray. This is great but I think I could do with all the support and encouragement I can get. Thanks.