Dynamo

I've been struggling a bit of late. Meeting with God in prayer and reading my Bible has been more of a hurdle than a desire and as such i've been avoiding the hurdle quite successfully - sadly.

As a consequence of this of course, i've been struggling with other things. Today its back to jobs again. I seem to have no focus, look at jobs and see only a bleak abyss, and am just generally a bit downcast. I did watch an episode of Band of Brothers yesterday in which one of the characters remarked that a particularly bleak situation they were all in seemed to have no end, and this is the key bit, at least as far as they could see. Later in the episode an unforseen development resolves their dilema, and this made my heart leap knowing that as long as I trust in God and keep chipping away things will happen that will help resolve the job situation, amongst others, that right now I cannot even contemplait.

For the moment though I am struggling to bring things before the Lord whilst I feel a bit like I have a huge creative dynmo lurking inside me, spinning away and seeking to explode in a fit of productivity, and yet, for the moment I have very little to do - or at least it seems that way.

Tales of Endurance

I finished a book today. In itself thats not entirely a blog worthy event, and, especially now that I am post-thesis and pre-employment, I have been reading quite a bit more than I did in the past. But, the book I finished was so facinating, so vast in its topic, that I decided to give it a bit of mention on here.

Entitled 'Tales of Endurance' and written by a chap called Fergus Flemming, it sets out in the form of short chapters to tell the tale of western exploration over a period of around 700 years. However, accepting that that would require a massive study and write up the like of which would take 20 years to read, let alone write and research, Flemming hand picked a veritable who's who of exlporers and their exploits and set about producing a handy 600 page (thereabouts) journey from Marco Polo in the late thirteenth century to the fateful exploits of the Italian led airship expedition that set out to discover vast swathes of the Arctic in the 1920s.

And I was gripped for the entire journey. Flemming opened my eyes and introduced me to new and unknown figures, whilst joining the dots and providing the missing pieces of the tales and lives of well known historical personalities, such as Scott and Shakelton. It was a journey that ranged from the frozen wastes of the Arctic and Antarctic, to the searing heat of Sahara dessert, taking in epic mountain and jungle treks as it went. It was a grim adventure, men and women battling through immense difficulties and harsh conditions, only to die from run-ins with the locals, scurvy, exposure, and starvation to name but a few maladies. On many occasions though it was also a tale of people overcoming those maladies and escaping hopeless situations, and although Mr Flemming was not entirely enthusiastic about this point, so so many of these men and women battled on seeking and trusting in the Lord. Amazing!

It was also filled with interesting little bits here and there, the three that amused me the most being:

a. Thomas Jefferson believed that native americans were actually a lost tribe of Welshmen!!
b. Mount Everest, which we pronounce Ev-rest, should actually be pronounced Eve-rest (as in Adam and Eve).
c. The main motivation for the first British expeditions to climb Everest was to build character.

Great book.

Demise of A Computer

For the second time in the history of this blog I'm writing about the demise of a computer. Most specifically my laptop, which, after two and a half years of faithful service (well maybe two years and nine months to be more exact) has almost died. I say almost as it will still work tentatively under battery power as long as the fan doesen't kick in. If the fan does kick in its all over but it is still just about continuing.

Anyhoo, I am thankfully writing from a new shiny model, which thanks to the wisdom of John Knight and the immense generosity of my parents and great aunt Ed, is working well and beginning to usurp the functions of its predecessor.

I hope that I don't seem all materialistic writing about what is ultimately a material object. Rather I am writing as its a poigniant thing in this technological age when a laptop goes awry. Facebook and MSN are, sadly, crucial to me remaining in touch with the wider world right now, while job hunting takes place on my trusty laptop, and its an essential impliment for helping me and Steph to stay in touch with each other. So a laptop becomes far more than an object, it becomes a medium to a much wider world.

And more than that, theres a certain sentimentalism to my old laptop. It essentially bore the brunt of a massive thesis research project and write up (and I do mean massive - the keyboard was pummelled), held literally tens of thousands of photographs, was also a medium of communication, and more recently provided a key lifeline to Steph and acted as an entertainment centre to help me through nights of spiritual attack. It did a lot in other words, and silly as it seems it is a bit sad to see it consigned to the rubbish pile.

Perhaps you think i'm crazy for being sad and sentimental about a laptop but its been a trusty material object.

Democracy

I can feel a little buzz inside me right now. As I type I'm watching BBC News 24 with my Dad and Boris Johnson has just been elected Mayor of London. Over the space of the last two days the Conservative Party has just won a very substantial proportion of the local election vote nationally and can now lay claim to the London Mayor.

Now, before I go on here. This is not a big, lavish pro-Conservative post. I do have a certain tendancy to support the men in blue these days, but this is not an Conservative fan club, nor does their victory specifically leave me with a buzz.

Rather, I feel that with the Conservatives registering a level of success and Labour apparently in a slump, politics and the political process is coming alive a little. Sure, I still live in a place where I can pretty much gurantee my vote counts for nothing unless I vote for Labour, but it aint half interesting when the government no longer seems all powerful, all sweeping, as it did most recently under Tony Blair. Now it seems that the voter, the average man and woman on the street has some influence with the peeps in London and that we aren't a mere commodity that is easily ignored.

To recognise that fact makes me all the more thankful that the Lord has blessed this country in so many ways. To be in a land that inspite of all the ways in which we seem to be in decline gives its people the ability to influence their government is a great joy. I was in the polling station yesterday and while it was obvious that the turn out would be verging on the pathetic and that the place was deserted I was so thankful that I could go in and vote, aided by two friendly assistants and not face oppression and intimidation. It is a great blessing.

So, there you go. Democracy. Not perfect, and not sure to solve things we want to be solved, but it is a blessing from the Lord.

The Cliff

Like most Christians, I frequently find myself confronted by the problem of sin. Be it the sin in my own life that God reveals to me in my daily walk, or in being reminded of the sinful human heart in the Bible, it is a regular, and frustrating feature of life. And because it is so frustrating and regular I tend to end up applying analogies to the problem of sin. Heres one to consider.

Imagine, if you will, that our lives on this earth are essentially an exercise of moving from one side of a mountain to the other. Our daily experiences and activities ultimately amount to fulfilling the objective of getting from A-B and all the highs and lows involved in life can be seen in the context of being immersed in bad weather or climbing various inclines (depression, stress, exhaustion), or taking in breathtaking views, feeling the warmth of the sun on our face, and spending time with companions who might be joining us on the walk (joy, laughter, peace, contentment, encouragement). Its a simple analogy but I hope its making sense thus far.

Now imagine that we have multiple choices of routes for getting over the mountain. As a Christian, God, who promises to make all our paths straight, has provided us with a very clear path that leads over the peak and presumably to point B. It is mostly well marked and paved and is on solid ground, although it still seems to climb steeply in places and looks both long and dull. And yet, as Christians we know it to be God's path and that is the right thing to do. In our lives following God's path would be seeking His wisdom and understanding and guidance in our life, through prayer and studying his word and even in attending and being involved in a church. Its simple then. We know God's path is right and we should follow that.

However, here in comes the problem of sin. Sin in this case involves being lured or decieved into taking the wrong path, or leaving the path entirely, to follow a different way. In many ways this may seem like the wise decision to us. We may follow a path along the mountain that seems more substantial or clear, that seems shorter or avoids the more perillous outcrops of rock that God's path leads over. In other words it seems better and indeed seems better and still runs closely to God's path, if at first. Thus we follow that path but before we know it the path that seemed better has veered ever more sharply away from God's path and we are now scrambling along cliffs fearing for our lives. Sound familiar? And this is the path that tricks us into a positon that is not right with God.

Even more frustrating is the moment when we are walking firmly along God's path and then all of a sudden we glance to one side and see not only a magnificent view but also some great rocks to clamber over. Sadly, we know that the view and the rocks are perilously close to a very dangerous cliff and that we really shouldn't leave God's path, and yet, even though we may have learned from previous experience that it is supreme folly to be lured in by the view and the rocks, we leave the path and ever more venture into what seems wonderful. Of course, the Devil and our own foolish hearts tell us more and more that what is foolish is actually fun and amazing and we end up closer and closer to the cliff edge and then - crash, bang, ouch!

You fall down the cliff and cling on helpless, hurting, lost, afraid, knowing that you should have stayed on God's path. Frustration, sadness and lonliness take over.

Of course, this is yet another mountain analogy from a mountain man, but you could equally change the mountain journey to one crossing a city. God provides a safe, well lit street to help you get from one place to another. But for the sake of convenience, time, or through laziness we try to take even the smallest short-cut and end up in a dark, scary back ally. Or, as with the view and the rocks we are lured into a part of town that is most definately dodgy and suddenly find ourselves facing a gang or some other peril.

Thankfully, as frustrating as it is to know that as sinful, foolish people we will make the mistake of leaving God's path, how wonderful is it to know that Jesus is the ultimate friend, companion and rescuer? Be he the mountain rescue worker who not only pulls you up but also heals your every ache and then helps you be planted fimly back on his path, or the policeman and councellor who rescues you from the inner city peril, he trully is a loving, wonderous, awesome God.

Dreams Gone By

Thinking about direction as much as I have recently its surprising (to me at least) that I've only just got around to paying any attention to where I had envisioned myself in years gone by. So here is a somewhat clouded record of where I thought I would be.

1. Youth - Well, by youth I mean aged 3-16, but you can include a variety of careers in that from astronaught and submariner, to architect, engineer, racing driver, fighter pilot.

2. High School - Here it got a bit more compicated but I was still thinking fighter pilot and architect.

3. Sixth Form - By this point I made choices of subject that plunged me firmly down the line of politics, history and geography. If anything I was drawn most to geographical careers. Vulcanology, meteorology, hydrology. All of these I found facinating and it seemed like a great idea to think about a career in one of those. However, one bad exam result (which it turned out eventually was very much a one off) and the need to apply for Uni before I knew my overall result led to me applying for history.

4. Uni - So as I started Uni I was a history student and knew only that I would like to leave Uni with a good job, well paid, probably in government. Even having become a Christian that idea of a well paid government position stayed firm in my mind and as I entered my last year I was all for working for the British Foreign and Commonwealth Office in an embassy somewhere. And yet, before I knew it God was working in my heart and changing my career direction all in one. Certainty was replaced by doubt and I was led into my masters degree.

5. MPhil - I began my MPhil thinking that it would lead into a PhD and ultimately academia. And yet, through circumstances no-one could envisage it all of a sudden became a simple MPhil and once more my immediate future seemed in doubt. More and more as I grew as a Christian the doubt grew, until it began to be shaped into a clear belief in serving God. This took the path at first of applying for the Relay training scheme, only for that door to be closed as I became overwhelmed with an MPhil that was far more of an undertaking than I could ever have imagined. And that brings me to now.... continuing to desire to serve God but trying to determine how best to do that.

The only certainty through all of this is that God has changed my perspectives and desires for the future in a way that 6 years ago I could not have forseen. In a way its been frustrating and difficult to see doors close and horizons seem impassible but its also exciting to know that God will and can continue to shape and mold me and my future.

The picture is from Calderstones Park, Liverpool.

Liverpool

Apparently my last post was my 200th. All very exciting, but I'm delighted I didn't try and dazzle you all with a glitzy, showy, wonder post to mark by bicentennial. Much better to write a line of my surprise here and move on.

Today has been a good day and inspite of waking up absolutely exhausted I was filled with a joyful thankfulness in my heart, praising the Lord. Great start! I then had some dinner and met up with Andy Moll in Liverpool which was an excellent follow up. Circumstance has brought to a halt what was a weekly time of friendship and fellowship in the past, so it was really good to catch up over a beveridge and then head into Calderstone Park for some photo taking.

And then, after Andy left, I decided to park the car in Allerton and essentially take advantage of the sunny weather to walk what was my regular walk when I lived there - down to Sefton Park and back. Which was also great. It trully is an amazing release to spend some time down there amongst God's creation, a fact that I was trully thankful for last year. I can't tell you the number of times that i ventured down there with my Bible to read God's word or simply to pray quietly to myself, and the number of times God granted me his strength and guidence. Of course, this time it was a little different. Knowing that Sefton and the streets leading up to it are such important places in my past made it exceptionally strange to know that I don't live there anymore and that it isn't really the place thats most at hand when I would like a breath of fresh air. Not wanting to lament too much, it was actually a little sad, especially thinking of all the friends that have come and gone and are leaving soon too.

But, my walk today did allow me to dwell upon some wonderous truths about the Lord and to appreciate his awesome and wonderous sovereignty not just in my life but also my friends. He trully is an incredible, loving, faithful God and the sadness of moving on is undoubtedly equalled and surpassed by the excitement of trusting and seeking after the Lord as He guides us into the future.

Beauty

Direction

As I write I feel a bit clueless in terms of direction, especially in terms of work. Which is a bit of a problem. You see, each day I wake up thinking 'What do I do today?'. The immediate answer is, prayerfully, a simple and straightforward one - look for jobs. If I find any that seem slightly interesting I then proceed to the next obvious step and apply. Simple enough you might think. But, heres the current poser. What if that isn't the right step? What if I should attempt to get direction first and then plan from then on in. Isn't that a more practical process.

Let me address this in another way. I am particulary fond of the outdoors and hiking in particular. Hiking is a joyous and wonderful experience (for me at least :-p), bringing with it health, enrichment, solitude and fellowship in equal measure. It is brilliant! And yet, it is also perilous if not regarded with respect and wisdom. Only a fool would venture out onto the hills unprepared. A beautiful summers day can be replaced in an instant by a blanket of cloud bringing not only wind, rain or snow, but also zero visability. Before you know it you are cold, wet and have no idea where the previously obvious footpath is. If you haven't brought a map then you don't even know how to get down (by another route). If you haven't got warm clothes or waterproofs then you will lose heat rapidly and face the dangers of hypothermia and death. If you have no food or water then you are again in trouble. In other words without planning and preparation to go somewhere beautiful and wonderful can turn into a nightmare.

Of course, you could go walking unprepared and it could be fine. Beautiful summers day, no issues. And the same is true of my current career searching and job applications. I could just 'go with the flow' and something could turn up and that is the way to go. Or, should I learn from my hiking experience and take a step back and plan and think about the route to take and prepare myself before taking the plunge? I just don't know folks.

And yet, the Bible, God's truthful and wonderful word tells me that if I sit and endure patiently, and put my hope in the Lord He will make my paths straight. Surely that is more than any planning ever could amount to.

Strength

What is strength? I think we tend to think of strength as a physical or mental attribute and one that is most demonstrated by what we can do or accomplish, perhaps even by what we can do that others can't. This thus makes us strong. But is this little more than arrogance? Is it folly to believe that we are strong and capable and that we have a list of strengths and attributes that provide us with our armour/support/resolve? Certainly the Bible paints a very clear picture of all our strength coming from the Lord God. Indeed, in the Old Testament the placing of faith by the Israelites in their own abilities would bring disaster as God removed their true support - His strength. Are we not doing the same thing each and every day in hundreds of circumstances, and facing disaster as we see our strength vanish with unemployment, illness and loss of those things that we took for granted and placed our faith in? Thankfully we are saved by Christ's sacrifice and strengthed through his abundant grace, but it still made me ponder greatly this week.

Crossroads

I feel like i'm currently in one of those periods that some people might characterise as a crossroads. Others might call it the wilderness (although I think that is a bit extreme if discussing my current situation), and I quite like the term shadowlands (borrowed of course from C.S. Lewis and suggesting that the time we occupy is a time in which we struggle to see what lies ahead; struggle to see the path laid out for us, surrounded as we are by varying darkness). This seems to be a reality for many areas of my life - job, home, and relationships (with friends and family but especially with Steph as both of us struggle to see how we might be together in the same country any time soon). But this crossroads, this realm of shadows is most perplexing when it touches my Christian walk, which at the moment is a frequent reality.

Now, before I trigger any panic buttons amongst my limited readership, I am not saying here that I am walking away from God, or that I am on the slippery slope. What I am saying is that things are strained and difficult right now. A lack of routine ensures that it is difficult to have a focused time of prayer and praise and Bible study each day, though of course its always a struggle to sit down and do this and I am under no illusion that work and routine will not bring its own challenges to meeting with the Lord, which of course they will. More peturbing though is church attendance. Given that I have already blogged about this at least once (maybe twice) that alone is a sign that its becoming an issue. By issue I mean something serious, difficult and frustrating.

Last week I made it to church, this week I didn't. That is the theme. One week i'm there, the next I'm not. Now church in of itself does not make me a Christian, but it is important and a wise way to live. That I am not making it is troubling. Yes, there are factors that complicate things, for example being 30 minutes drive from Christ Church and not being entirely comfortable or encouraged by the state of churches in St Helens. But even then is that really an excuse?

This leads me then to my crossroads. Church and how to resolve the situation. Prayer is one answer and sadly the one I turn to least. Continuing to pick myself up and fight is another ( and one that I and every other Christian faces each and every day in numerous situations) but then how do I then proceed? I've considered getting involved in a church in St Helens (Even though that would involve leaving behind good friends and a wonderful church of which I have declared my commitment through membership) or do I continue to attended Christ Church even though I am not really part of that community anymore (ie Liverpool) and I am woeful in actually attending the Sunday service, let alone housegroups. In my mind I even range to wondering if I should make a clean break and move to another town (or even country - for example USA) to resolve the difficulties. I just don't know folks and the more I dither the more rapildy the struggle becomes an epic trial.

Whatever the answer, that is my crossroads. I am thankful that God is unchanging, loving, perfect and merciful and that I can trust Him in everything that I do including this. Pray that I will do that however, that I will trust the Lord in prayer and hope and give thanks to every blessing that I do have.

October Sky

I'm beginning to develop something of a dislike for Sundays. A day which was not too long ago a great day of friendship and fellowship, and just last year was the day in which I was usually able to spend a little time with Steph, has now become a day for frustration and a very real physical and spiritual battle. Church, especially Christ Church in Liverpool, seems like a hundred miles away and the community of good old friends there seems to be more and more unfamiliar. Saturday night/Sunday morning is often a time of little sleep and of great spiritual attack, attack that I seem to be able to do very little about. The net result is that I wake feeling exhausted, frustrated, far from the Lord and usually spend Sunday at home, not at church, away from fellowship and friends, tired, broken and just fed up. Today was no different. But, alas, I whine.

On a slightly less miserable note, I watched October Sky today. Steph bought it for me as a surprise Valentine's present and it was great. I'd seen it before, but it was so nice to watch a genuinely uplifting film and a true(ish) story to boot. At the end I really did want to indulge my engineering skills and build a ruidmentary rocket/jet engine. Sadly, I lack actual skill and the requisite materials and tools to make anything. D'oh! Still, it is a spiffing way to spend an afternoon.

3:10 to Yuma

Its interesting posting a blog when you have no idea of what your readership is. My humility and realistic side suggests none and takes the view that this blog is nothing more than a noble quest to write well and find novel subjects. Or at least its something like that.

Tonight I finally got around to watching 3:10 to Yuma, a film i've been longing to watch for a long time, and one that I eventually took the plunge and bought the other day. Thats bought - not rented - simply on the unique selling points of 1) it looked good, 2) Christian Bale and Russell Crowe were in it and they tend to make some pretty amazing films, 3) it was directed by the chap who directed Walk the Line which was great. I know that this policy of what i'm calling 'blind buying' causes Steph some consternation, understandably since it may result occasionally in a spectacular flop (no film comes to mind right now but I did buy an Idlewild cd once that I threw in the bin almost immediately), but in this case - wow!!! What film! So, so, so good. Not quite an epic to end all epics, but at the risk of overusing that word it was epic in plot, acting performance, cinematography, soundtrack and its ability to surprise. Not at all formulaic.

So yeah.. A great film.

Jobs Ahoy

I'm afraid its going to be another jobs post. Me thinks they might be a reality for some time. To describe my job hunt thus far would lead me to say that I had a mad rush into applications at the start, followed by a lull of apathy, then a lull of frustration, then a brief rally to begin the search anew. Its been a time of lots of close examination of specific jobs and few applications as I have this internal battle of realising I need to find a job and yet not wanting to just get any old position. Perhaps this belies as sense of arrogance (that I feel I can do any old job) or ignorance (that I will find a good job) but I'd like to think its a wise approach to finding a job that will not drive me nuts instantly, rather than running in like crazy boy only to find i've effectively run straight into a rather unpleasant swamp that I end up stuck in for 3 years (MPhil coming back to haunt me here).

In essence I am confused, bored and frustrated and painfully aware I am lacking direction. Do I seek a job that will allow me to remain close to home but fail to make any use of my history degree or require anything approaching an editorial, publishing or researching skill background? Or, in an attempt to secure that kind of position, do I move away, away from family and friends and church, all in the vain hope of a job that won't fulfill me as much as i'd like it to?

Thankfully God is sovereign in this situation, though rather ashamedly I forget that more and more as time passes. Sad. A sad post folks. Please enjoy this nice picture as recompence.

2008 - The Year of Jobs

It appears that this year will be characterised by jobs. This is, incidentally, a good thing, though at the moment of writing this I have very mixed feelings as to what direction to go in mixed with a feeling of general fatigue at looking through applications and job profiles. And this is two weeks into the new year. Sheesh. Still, at times like this its good to reflect on God's character - a loving God who makes our paths straight and perfect.

Oh and Happy New Year dear readers (or myself in a years time). Heres a nice mountain pic from a great day in the Lakes a few days ago.

Christmas

So another Christmas has come and gone, and on reflection this has been one of my favourites. Relaxing, family time. Very enjoyable. I hope you have all had a great Christmas dear readers.

The Magnificent Attraction of Stairs

Strange title for a blog post you may think, and you would be right to think so. Its in reference to a curious thing I observed whilst at church today. The church I attend is held in a local school hall, the entrance of which is raised up from the actual hall itself. Consequently to get from the door to your seat you have to drop down a handful of steps. Simple enough and something I haven't really paid any attention to at all in the two years we have been in that building.

However, today I was stood by the door on welcome duty (essentially hello and welcome to Christ Church etc) and was highly distracted by the three young toddlers who were besoted with the stairs. No matter where mum or dad carried them to, they were determined to return to the simple staircase, whereupon they climbed it with great gusto and laughed heartily upon reaching the top.

It was all highly entertaining/distracting, and funnily enough I can just about remember when stairs held that kind of attraction to me.

So there you go folks - The Magnificent Attraction of Stairs.

Quarter Century

I had a strange thought the other day (Steph you will have heard this already of course) about the reality of turning 25, which will happen to me in a very short period of time. Its a sobering moment when you realise that you are half way to 50, and that you only have another 25 years to accomplish anything before that milestone in life.

Its especially sobering when you look back to your previous 25 years and realise that you haven't really accomplished that much.

Though, that of course doesen't take into account that you haven't really been in a position to accomplish much in those initial 25 years.

Strange yet interesting.

Update

An update for all you die hard readers out there... All none of you. :-)

Life has been interesting since my last post. The degree is all done. Completley and utterly and totally finished. I graduated last Thursday in a flurry of highly enjoyable pomp and ceremony. Twas marvellous and a great way to end an often fraught three years.

I have also been blessed with a wonderful relationship with Steph. After a couple of interesting years waiting to see what would emerge the Lord has guided us and provided for us both in what is still a difficult situation (ie trans-Atlantic dating). It continues to fill my heart with joy and has made both of us quite the world traveller with a couple of trips Stateside in my case.

Life still has its ups and downs, little health issues here, job confusion there, as well as the many blessings and difficulties of living at home. But, all in all its been good.

Praise the Lord.

The End

As I sit and type I find myself nearing the end of a number of phases of my life. My room is looking increasingly bare as I begin the process of packing up five years worth of accumulated clothes, postcards, books, and assorted bits and bobs, all of which have laid untouched in this room which has been home for so long. And it is a long time, with many, many memories, such growth in my faith, and almost two complete degrees.

Because of this it seems so odd to be leaving. To be leaving not just a room, but a place that has been host to almost a quarter of my life, and allowed me to be blessed with wonderful housemates and friends from across the globe. Odd indeed.

I am moving back to St Helens next week unsure of what comes next in so many areas of my life... Strange.

As well as moving house, however, I am also slowly coming to the end of my masters degree, an endeavour that has rarely taken the course I expected and at times has seemed like the greatest of weights dragging me under. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel now, but... whilst looking forward to finishing, the very process of finishing will be accompanied yet more uncertainty.

Don't get me wrong. The Lord has blessed me in adundant ways and I trust that He will continue to make my paths straight in all His love, strength, wisdom, grace, and just nature. Its just one of those reflective days folks..